if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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