so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
