A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
do herpes really smell.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Randomize
