there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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