I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My ass is underappreciated
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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