I want to have your abortion
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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