Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
