Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
