The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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