I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
