Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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