my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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