when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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