the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
