the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
