Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
