LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
