Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
