It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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