You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
