Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
we're so committed to being not committed
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
