I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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