Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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