Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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