I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
