some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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