hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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