Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Randomize
