I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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