I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It's blow job season.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
