somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
