so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
