i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
