He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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