walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
