I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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