hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
