At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
