Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
