I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
