it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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