I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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