i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
