She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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