you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
