proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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