it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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