I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Randomize
