Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
