i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
