Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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