Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
